Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
