Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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