I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
