how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Send help, water and tortillas.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
