I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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