At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
