wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
