This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
