I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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