Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
