i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
