I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
