census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
