talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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