the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
