when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
