also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
