Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
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