Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
