I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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