I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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