I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table