Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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