I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
