I accidentally had phone sex last night
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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