Pants 0. Shit 1.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
