Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
