I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
