Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
