The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
