I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
