Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
