this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
