Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
