And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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