i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
