I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dear god my vagina.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
