I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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