my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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