No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
