I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
