dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.