Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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