so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
