I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
