oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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