That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
