If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
