So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
