In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
