never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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