happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I looked at my own cervix.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
