Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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