I wanna bring you to show and tell
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hippo gnu deer
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
