I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
