i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
