I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
