I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
